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[retraverse]

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[retraverse]

What has he told you about me and Ben

[ she doesn't kiss and tell!!! no secrets between losers but some things must be sacred... surely... ]

Omg I'd be honored
The perfect water bottle to bring on a hike with your hot boyfriend
P.S. maybe Richie Tozier boxer shorts

[groaners]

nothing juicy
does he KNOW juicy things??

[ is richie not in the know, beverly!! ]

you say that like i go on hikes with my hot boyfriend
but to be fair i've been on more hikes than early morning jogs 😴

if i make boxers, everybody's getting a pair

[retraverse]

No oh my god
Nothing juicy
That's the point

[ does he want to be in the know??? ]

Can we stop saying juicy
I wanna hear more about your west coast adventures with your hot boyfriend 😏
Though you guys should visit us soon, Ben and Eddie can go jogging and we can sleep in
In our matching Trashmouth boxers

[groaners]

just checking!
i thought i was missing dirty deets

[ well, he doesn't wanna be excluded from the know if there is one to be in! ]

i could tell you but then i'd have to say juicy again
it'd be better in person
in our matching trashmouth boxers
everything is better in trashmouth boxers THIS SHIT WRITES ITSELF

i'm serious though
people in their 40s need to have more sleepovers

[retraverse]

We’re allowed a little privacy, hon
That’s why Ben put the master and guest rooms on opposite sides of the house
Which you haven’t seen yet!!
We’re totally allowed sleepovers, we’re making up for like 30 years of lost time
In our matching Trashmouth boxers

[groaners]

jesus that man is so thoughtful
if you weren't already married, i'd tell you to hurry it the fuck up

and yeah, i know!!!
you know how bad i wanna slide around on the hardwood floors in my socks?
that's what you're supposed to do in houses that are mostly windows, right??

should we just finish all our sentences from now on with in our matching trashmouth boxers

[retraverse]

Rich he literally takes photos of like
The sunset
And texts it to me with "it reminds me of you :)"
It's been three months and I want to marry him all over again???

Hardwood floors are made for sock slides
In our matching Trashmouth boxers AND TRASHMOUTH SOCKS
But also I can literally hear Eddie right now yelling about, like
Bruised tailbones and slipped discs 😬

[groaners]

oh my god
are we sure he's not like
a divine being trapped in corporeal form?
and hey, if you wanna get married again, i'll come to the party

[ the last one was pretty good!!! ]

AND TRASHMOUTH SOCKS
we're working up to a fucking uniform

i mean, he'd probably have a point
but 10 bucks says he'd do it if we asked
in our trashmouth boxers

[retraverse]

RIGHT?? How did I get so lucky 😩
The guy, the perfect wedding, who wouldn't wanna relive the greatest hits
I know you had a good time 😉

[ boy does she Know ]

We're basically halfway to collaborating on a loungewear line
How could he ever say no to us
In our Trashmouth boxers
I bet you can crack that frown of his in like ten seconds

[groaners]

easy
you deserve it
and ben's got the memory of a fucking elephant

i had a great time, bev 😏 [ boy does he knows she Knows. neither he nor eddie have a great track record for being lowkey. ]

holy shit you're right
we need housecoats and slippers

and yeah, it's kind of an art [ he's happy to announce!! ]
we'll tape pillows to our trashmouth boxers, problem solved

[retraverse]

[ you deserve it. god, doesn't that make her heart do crazy things. ]

Yeah you're right
I do
And so do you, by the way

[ she's happy they're happy too!!! ]

Is this gonna be like
A "Netflix and chill with Trashmouth, now streaming" inspired line
The pillows complete the look

[groaners]

[ he knows he started it but still. thanks, bev. ]

look at us, getting what we deserve
it had to happen SOMETIME, amirite

[ he's spinning it into a joke but... man, the relief is immeasurable. ]

oh my god that's genius
who wouldn't wanna netflix and chill with the trashmouth
pillows on the ass is multipurpose

[retraverse]

We're literally the poster children for better late than never
Fuck yeah it had to happen
No way the clown gets to ruin everything forever
Except maybe Bill's endings...

[ sorry bill. but really, she wakes up every morning grateful for this new life. she knows she's not the only one, either. ]

Right?? Ugh I wanna do a Netflix night with you
I miss you :(

Wait how are pillows on the ass multipurpose

[ does she want to know... ]

[groaners]

something had to be more doomed than us
rip bill's endings but they're doing us a favor

[ clearly richie's not going to stop her from telling it like it is! he's relieved to not be living one of bill's endings. maybe a little surprised, but so, so relieved. ]

of course you do, i'm a fucking joy to be around
i miss you, too 😭

especially because you ask questions like that
a) for sitting
b) for when you fall on your ass after sliding on hardwood floors in your trashmouth socks
c) other less innocuous things lbh it just makes sense

[retraverse]

How are they doing us a favor
We have to go to his movie premiere in a couple months 😬

[ ain't that the fuckin truth. but also they're gonna be enduring one of his endings on the big screen and... tell people they liked it... ]

You're a pain in the ass actually
But you're our pain the ass so I love you
Also love you for not saying juicy again for C
Or like I don't know
"Leverage"

[groaners]

HAHAHA FUCK
just do what i do and say ""open"" (read: bad) endings are your guilty pleasure
it's a nice way of saying they suck

[ he's thought this through! also kind of helps that the media expects him to have bad taste, the assholes. his taste is fine! ]

enjoy it while it lasts 'cause there's not gonna be any pain in anyone's ass after pillow boxers hit the shelves

i love you FOR saying leverage
we're all thinking it, you just typed it out

[retraverse]

Babe I told Bill to his face at the Jade that his endings suck
I don’t have a poker face 😥

[ she does. it’s great. this is all an act. ]

That’s the marketing angle right there

NOOO WAIT you tricked me into saying it!!!
Oh my god
Fuck
I hate me

[groaners]

sure you don't 🙄
anyway i don't care if bill knows that his endings suck, he deserves that
but i at least try to lie to the people that want to tank his ratings
i'm a good friend

we are fucking full of marketing angles today

AND I DIDN'T TRICK YOU
you could have said something worse like easy access
so
i'll love you when you can't do it for yourself
again: good friend

[retraverse]

Yeah okay but does that mean you'll never talk about his stuff in your routine
Because I mean
It's right there

[ they're all such... good friends... ]

Ass pillow boxers are all about the angles
Is what you're saying
God you're the worst influence

[ as if she's not as bad as he is lbr ]

[groaners]

that is definitely not what that means
poking holes in his stuff is gold to those angry nerds [ i.e. his fans ]
i just make sure they also know i love him

[ good friends!! ]

hell yeah 😎
we're equally bad, you're just slightly better at hiding it
unfair advantage imo

[retraverse]

Bill's got the loudest laugh in the front row [ apart from her cackle ]
I'm sure they know
And he does too
You're a big sweetheart really

[ ben hanscom, where you at! ]

Hey name one example
I'm innocent

[groaners]

wow stop calling me out

[ yes, this from mr. i'm-a-good-friend. it's different when other people say it! ]

oh come on
scroll up, you were the one trying to get me to talk about my ADVENTURES with my hot boyfriend [ ... screw context, he's teasing. ]
last time we were drunk you started a conversation about hands that lasted us like, 20 fucking minutes
which doesn't sound that bad
but i remember
we went weird places, bev

[retraverse]

That's what best friends do, Rich

[ oh my god the hands conversation ]

OUTDOOR ADVENTURES
Don't shame me for that conversation, you were obviously invested
But someone definitely cried a little talking about hand holding
Was that me
Don't tell Ben

[groaners]

OUTDOOR ADVENTURES?? FUCKING SCANDALOUS

[ 😉 ]

i mean obviously
but that doesn't change the fact that you started it
pretty sure that was you
but come on
like ben wouldn't also cry about hand holding

[retraverse]

I'm not bailing either of you out if you get arrested for getting scandalous on a hike
Do not phone a friend, do not pass go

[ call bill he lives closer ]

I did start it but you're right he would probably
His hands are just so big and gentle
And they build things 😩
God this is why I needed waterproof mascara at the wedding

[ but ben was beaming to the point of tears when she came down the aisle (with richie!), she remembers it so vividly. ]