open.

[retraverse]

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oh hello

[groaners]

hey i need your professional opinion

they want tour merch with my face on it
'cause sex sells, obviously
should i wear a cowboy hat or sunglasses shaped like eggplant emojis for the photoshoot?

oh my god

[retraverse]

Your glasses are part of your signature look, you can't swap them out
So cowboy hat obviously but also that's like
The lesser of two evils
Why a cowboy hat??? You're from Maine???

[groaners]

i just told you, sex sells
cowboys are hot, aren't they??

name one hot, iconic clothing item from maine

[retraverse]

Boat shoes?

[ shit, new england is preppy as fuck ]

Okay you've proven your point
Ben told me the pine cone is the state flower though
Which is pretty funny to me

[groaners]

fuck, let's face it
dudes in boat shoes are 20% of my demographic

[ of course he's pulling percentages out of his ass, that's not the point ]

so you're telling me ben thinks i should wear pine cones on my head?
thanks, ben

[retraverse]

I think if anyone could work pine cones into merch then it's you, honey
Though I think your glasses as a print would be pretty cool
On like
Socks or something

What kind of merch are we talking here anyway

[groaners]

awwwww bev
you have so much fucking faith in me

[ do i have to note the real affection here? probably not. ]

the plan was tshirts
'cause obviously i have to force a new one into eddie's collection
but i could pitch socks
do you think people would go for richie tozier underwear?

[retraverse]

Always and forever, Trashmouth 😘

A new shirt for all our collections you mean
Because seeing your face when I open my drawer brings such a smile to mine
Eddie could totally rock novelty socks with his suits for work though...

[ oh no it’s a cute thought ]

As for underwear uh
You know your target market better than I do but also like
Why

[groaners]

is ben still around?
'cause you're gonna make him jealous talking about my face like that

[ but again, he appreciates her enthusiasm. and her ideas. ]

holy shit, that's cute
see this is why i came to you

but i'm shocked you don't think richie tozier underwear will get more people laid

[retraverse]

Well I get to see his every day!!
Trying to get all you losers into one big video chat is like herding cats

Are you shocked
Really
Are you telling me your market research on Richie “sex sells” Tozier isn’t based on one (1) Eddie Kaspbrak

Okay what about water bottles
For all that thirst 🥵

[groaners]

cats who are stoned

shocked, i'm telling you
flabber-fucking-gasted
now what has eddie told you about the market research
his focus group signed a confidentiality agreement

[ which is to say, no, she's absolutely right. ]

only if i can print that on the label 😎

[retraverse]

What has he told you about me and Ben

[ she doesn't kiss and tell!!! no secrets between losers but some things must be sacred... surely... ]

Omg I'd be honored
The perfect water bottle to bring on a hike with your hot boyfriend
P.S. maybe Richie Tozier boxer shorts

[groaners]

nothing juicy
does he KNOW juicy things??

[ is richie not in the know, beverly!! ]

you say that like i go on hikes with my hot boyfriend
but to be fair i've been on more hikes than early morning jogs 😴

if i make boxers, everybody's getting a pair

[retraverse]

No oh my god
Nothing juicy
That's the point

[ does he want to be in the know??? ]

Can we stop saying juicy
I wanna hear more about your west coast adventures with your hot boyfriend 😏
Though you guys should visit us soon, Ben and Eddie can go jogging and we can sleep in
In our matching Trashmouth boxers

[groaners]

just checking!
i thought i was missing dirty deets

[ well, he doesn't wanna be excluded from the know if there is one to be in! ]

i could tell you but then i'd have to say juicy again
it'd be better in person
in our matching trashmouth boxers
everything is better in trashmouth boxers THIS SHIT WRITES ITSELF

i'm serious though
people in their 40s need to have more sleepovers

[retraverse]

We’re allowed a little privacy, hon
That’s why Ben put the master and guest rooms on opposite sides of the house
Which you haven’t seen yet!!
We’re totally allowed sleepovers, we’re making up for like 30 years of lost time
In our matching Trashmouth boxers

[groaners]

jesus that man is so thoughtful
if you weren't already married, i'd tell you to hurry it the fuck up

and yeah, i know!!!
you know how bad i wanna slide around on the hardwood floors in my socks?
that's what you're supposed to do in houses that are mostly windows, right??

should we just finish all our sentences from now on with in our matching trashmouth boxers

[retraverse]

Rich he literally takes photos of like
The sunset
And texts it to me with "it reminds me of you :)"
It's been three months and I want to marry him all over again???

Hardwood floors are made for sock slides
In our matching Trashmouth boxers AND TRASHMOUTH SOCKS
But also I can literally hear Eddie right now yelling about, like
Bruised tailbones and slipped discs 😬

[groaners]

oh my god
are we sure he's not like
a divine being trapped in corporeal form?
and hey, if you wanna get married again, i'll come to the party

[ the last one was pretty good!!! ]

AND TRASHMOUTH SOCKS
we're working up to a fucking uniform

i mean, he'd probably have a point
but 10 bucks says he'd do it if we asked
in our trashmouth boxers

[retraverse]

RIGHT?? How did I get so lucky 😩
The guy, the perfect wedding, who wouldn't wanna relive the greatest hits
I know you had a good time 😉

[ boy does she Know ]

We're basically halfway to collaborating on a loungewear line
How could he ever say no to us
In our Trashmouth boxers
I bet you can crack that frown of his in like ten seconds

[groaners]

easy
you deserve it
and ben's got the memory of a fucking elephant

i had a great time, bev 😏 [ boy does he knows she Knows. neither he nor eddie have a great track record for being lowkey. ]

holy shit you're right
we need housecoats and slippers

and yeah, it's kind of an art [ he's happy to announce!! ]
we'll tape pillows to our trashmouth boxers, problem solved

[retraverse]

[ you deserve it. god, doesn't that make her heart do crazy things. ]

Yeah you're right
I do
And so do you, by the way

[ she's happy they're happy too!!! ]

Is this gonna be like
A "Netflix and chill with Trashmouth, now streaming" inspired line
The pillows complete the look

[groaners]

[ he knows he started it but still. thanks, bev. ]

look at us, getting what we deserve
it had to happen SOMETIME, amirite

[ he's spinning it into a joke but... man, the relief is immeasurable. ]

oh my god that's genius
who wouldn't wanna netflix and chill with the trashmouth
pillows on the ass is multipurpose

[retraverse]

We're literally the poster children for better late than never
Fuck yeah it had to happen
No way the clown gets to ruin everything forever
Except maybe Bill's endings...

[ sorry bill. but really, she wakes up every morning grateful for this new life. she knows she's not the only one, either. ]

Right?? Ugh I wanna do a Netflix night with you
I miss you :(

Wait how are pillows on the ass multipurpose

[ does she want to know... ]

[groaners]

something had to be more doomed than us
rip bill's endings but they're doing us a favor

[ clearly richie's not going to stop her from telling it like it is! he's relieved to not be living one of bill's endings. maybe a little surprised, but so, so relieved. ]

of course you do, i'm a fucking joy to be around
i miss you, too 😭

especially because you ask questions like that
a) for sitting
b) for when you fall on your ass after sliding on hardwood floors in your trashmouth socks
c) other less innocuous things lbh it just makes sense